When All Seems Lost
by silveric angon
Summary: This is a classic reunion story. Long one-shot. Rated M just to be safe.


When All Seems Lost…..

Disclaimer: I think it's most obvious that I don't own any characters of Buffy the  
Vampire Slayer or Angel, as much as I wish I did.

Authors Note: So this isn't technically my first fic. I started one long ago but due to lack  
of inspiration and the stress of college it was left unfinished. But I wanted to at least  
write one finished Spuffy fiction. Thus the one shot…..

***********

"I can't believe this is what my life has been reduced to," Buffy groaned to herself as  
she glanced around of the piles of paperwork on her desk. "Me, the longest lived slayer  
in history has become a secretary. I've taken on hellgods, an army of ancient vampires,  
the First evil, and an evil nerd trio and now I'm facing the horrors of paper cuts and  
arthritis from stapling," she sighed.

Buffy reflected back on how she ended up here, as in England, at the new and much  
improved Council of Watcher Headquarters. "Blah, improved my nicely shaped, but firm  
behind. Still as stuffy and British as the old Council!" She complained.

After her mission and lots of extracurricular shopping in Rome, Giles informed her that  
she was really the most needed here for her…hmm how did he put it? "Expert  
knowledge and skilled abilities." Little did she know her expert knowledge and skilled  
abilities included monstrous paper work.

The blonde slayer glimpses back over her files of the newest recruited slayers. Even  
though she isn't on the battlefield with them, their blood could still potentially be on her  
hands.

For her job, that Giles felt that she was most qualified for, was to place each slayer  
where and in what position she felt each of them was suited for just by reading their  
files and occasionally watching them train. Meaning if she made a mistake and placed  
an inexperienced Slayer next to a more active hellmouth that she can't handle or sent  
her on a mission that she didn't make it back from, it would still be on Buffy's  
conscious.

Buffy slammed her hand down on the large oak desk in frustration, cracking the old  
antique. "Just isn't my day today," she breathed.

"Uh, Buffy," The desk abuser looks up at the mention of her name with a guilty smile. "I  
am sorry to have bothered you in your apparent intense concentration." Giles speaks  
as he scrutinizes the damage of the one hundred year old furniture.

"Yeah, well ya know what they say Giles: You can take the Slayer outta the battle, but  
you can't take the battle outta the Slayer. Even against seemingly innocent office  
pieces." She grins at him sheepishly.

"Yes, well, like I said I am quite sorry to have troubled you, but I wondered if I could  
have a moment of your time? It is a rather urgent matter that I speak with you about,"  
the old watcher babbled on.

"I don't know, Giles. Dragging me away from this remarkably fascinating paper work  
might be quite a challenge," Buffy joked.

"Buffy, please." For the first time Buffy noticed Giles' hardened expression and the fact  
that the obsessively compulsively overly polite watcher didn't even bother to knock  
before entering her office.

"Sorry Giles. Take a seat." Buffy gestured at the adjacent couch.

"You should as well, before I deliver this particular news."

"Oh that bad…"

"You know of Angel being in control of Wolfram and Hart, correct?"

Buffy gets a puzzled look on her features, "Yeah, you were worried about him being  
corrupted because it's an evil law firm, like there are such things as a non-evil law  
firms. And I told you he wouldn't let something like that happen."

Giles couldn't make eye contact with her now, and was nervously fiddling with his  
glasses. This really has to be bad. "Yes, well, it seems you were right in your  
estimation. He and his team were working to overtake Wolfram and Hart from the inside  
out and because of this they ended up in a battle with The Circle of the Black Thorn."

"The **_who_**?"

"The Circle of the Black Thorn. They are a secret society of demons and more  
importantly instruments of the Senior Partners. The Circle is the driving force behind all  
of Wolfram and Hart's apocalypses." Giles explained while still carefully avoiding eye  
contact.

The senior watcher took a deep breath and placed his glasses back on before  
resuming, "Our Seerers at the Coven have informed me that the Los Angeles branch of  
Wolfram and Hart has been completely leveled. The essences of numerous portals that  
were opened to demonic hell dimensions still remained and that was precisely what  
got their attention in the first place. Fortunately they are all closed now.

"All the portals were centrally concentrated to open in a specific alleyway. This is where  
Angel and what was left of his team fought thousands of demons from all these  
various dimensions."

He paused looking steadily at his sergeant daughter now, "Buffy, there were no found  
survivors."

Before Buffy had the chance to let the pain of loss set in, a red-head tweed wearing  
blur burst through the partially open door and into the office babbling about Gandalf  
the Grey resurrected, bloody pennies, demented slayers chopping off body parts, and  
then a name caught the slayer's attention like a lightning bolt to the heart. Spike.

With a speed only a Vampire Slayer could manage, Buffy leaped over the broken desk  
and in one fluid movement had the hysterical boy in her grasp. In complete Slayer  
mode now, Buffy growls out," Do you want to repeat that last part, Andy? That part  
about Spike, the same Spike that burned up in a hellmouth while saving the world,  
being alive in L.A.?"

Andrew who was visibly shaking now glanced to Giles for help. Giles in turn grit his  
teeth and glared back.

The little blonde pissed off girl of course catches this exchange and releases the  
young boy in shock.

"Giles….you…You knew?" Buffy had absolutely betrayed and lost expression crossing  
her face as she rushed out of the building.

Giles and Andrew were left standing in her office both having the decency to look  
ashamed.

***********

Meanwhile in L.A….

A cloaked figure carefully makes his way into what to most can only be described as an  
explosion. Except this explosion had demon and strange creature parts everywhere.

The lone figure takes off his hat to reveal a green skinned red horned demon. As Lorne  
surveys the carnage of demon bodies where the last place his comrades were all hope  
fades from his body.

Gruesome was an understatement. Mountains of bodies were as far as the eye could  
see, some piled as higher than a car.

Then the depressed demon spots what he was most dreading.

Gunn's lifeless body is in the background and vampire dust blows in the wind as Lorne  
sags his shoulders in defeat, shakes his head, and walks off.

***************

On a plane somewhere over the ocean…..

Buffy is sitting alone aboard a first class airline thanks her spiffy Council credit card.  
She had stopped crying an hour ago, and now she was just involved in deep thought.

How many of the other's knew of Spike's miraculous return and didn't tell her? How  
many of her so called friends betrayed her, yet again?

She thinks of calling Willow in Ireland, but decides if her witch friend had known  
anything at all she would have told her immediately. A few months ago she would  
have automatically accused Xander of betrayal as well, but she knew better now.

About four months ago Willow, just fresh of her break up with Kennedy, and Xander,  
back from his emotional recovery trip to Africa, decided to have a get together with her  
like old times.

Buffy had been looking forward to it just about as much as having a tooth pulled. She  
still felt the sting of treachery when the people she most trusted turned their backs to  
her and threw her out of her own house. How many times had she saved their  
ungrateful backs by putting her own life on the line? And when times got rough, that  
was how they repaid her?

But as it turns out, excepting their invitation for a reunion was the best choice she ever  
made involving their friendship. They met in Rome since she was still on assignment  
to figure out how to kill some guy who thought he was Romeo called The Immortal.  
Uck, was he a real sleazebag!

When the two old friends first arrived it was uncomfortable. None had known how to  
act around each other. It was sad that they all acted as if they were all complete  
strangers to one another.

It was Buffy's continuing nightmares that broke the ice. The Slayer thought she had  
finally rid herself of the horridly intense dreams that had left her an insomniac,  
because she had been so fearful to sleep. With the appearance of her friends brought  
back her past and her past mistakes that she was forced to deal in her sleep.

One night she awoke to Willow crying in terror as she tried to rouse her. Because of all  
of Buffy's frightened unconscious screaming Xander rushed in a few seconds later  
wielding a dangerous looking rolling pin. To Sunnydale locals, screaming usually  
equals demon….that apparently can be defeated with simple rolling pin. Well nobody  
ever could accuse Xander of not being resourceful.

After the initial shock of it all, Buffy was compelled to explain her night terrors to her  
two oldest friends. Her dreams always starred Spike, but she had to assure them that it  
wasn't in a NC-17 porn way…unfortunately.

Sometimes Spike would tell her that she didn't love him because she wasn't capable of  
love. Others would have him laughing as she poured her heart out to him while he  
cruelly sneered at her emotions, but they would all pretty much end the same. She  
would relive him burning up in the hellmouth. His last dying words would be that he  
would rather die than stay with her and have to put up with her stuck up bitchyness  
towards him any longer.

Buffy knew that most parts of the dreams were just her exaggerated fears because  
Spike had loved her. If nothing else in the world made sense that was always one  
thing she could be sure of, Spike loved her. Even when she didn't want his love or his  
devotion, he was still there. He never left and was always there for her unlike so many  
others in her life.

This baffled Buffy more. The fear of doubt crept into her heart, numbing her body. Had  
she finally drove Spike away? Had he finally decided loving her just wasn't worth the  
torture he'd endured? Why else would Spike have been in L.A. fighting alongside of  
Angel and never even bother to let her know she could stop morning because he was  
among the living undead again?

She expected her friends to turn unsympathetic and disapproving eyes towards her  
and tell her to move on and get over it. But somewhere along the way her judgmental  
controlling friends had grown up and matured.

After many hugs and tears shed, it was Xander that was the first to ask for Buffy's  
forgiveness for being a "hypocritical ass." His fiancé was a thousands of years old ex  
demon who had caused more pain and chaos than the whole Scourge of Europe  
combined.

As much as he loved Anya, he had to face up to his narrow-mindedness when it came  
to the bleached blonde vamp. He excused Anya automatically of all her sins because  
she was his girlfriend, but Spike he condemned. He saw Spike trying to change  
without a soul and turned a blind eye.

Xander had even admitted to owing Spike a big dept, not only for saving the world but  
also for the numerous times the vampire had saved his own butt especially during that  
horrible summer of Buffy's death. Xander would be completely blind if Spike hadn't  
risked himself to save his other eye from Caleb's wrath.

Then Willow began sobbing and apologizing profusely about how they turned their  
backs on her and threw Buffy out of her own house. The red head had explained how  
relieved she was to watch Spike walk out of the door that night to find Buffy. She knew  
Spike would find and comfort her. She asked her for forgiveness for meddling in her  
life with magicks and not supporting her like a true friend would.

A lot of guilt was relieved that night along with the beginning of the mending of  
friendships. Buffy was able to be honest about her feelings and emotions for once in  
her life and didn't have to worry about being judged.

Buffy fidgeted in her seat as the pilot announced the decent to LAX airport. Spike had  
to be alive, he just had to be. If not for her sake then for Dawn's as well. The poor  
teenager had been wracked with guilt every since the collapse of the hellmouth. She  
remembered one long night with her sister about a month after.

"Dawn, Spike wasn't the monster between the two of us, I was. I was so horrible to him.  
How could he have loved me after all that I did to him? I called him a soulless demon  
that couldn't love, but the truth was it was me that couldn't love. And I wanted to hate  
him. Hate him for the fact that he was a dead vampire that could not only love more  
passionate and deeply than anyone I've ever known, but he was more alive than me  
and his heart didn't even beat."

"I not only verbally abused him, but physically too. I'd take what I wanted from him to  
make myself feel better and then treat him as if he were nothing more than the scum  
on my shoe. I'm not excusing what he almost did to me that night, but I was more of a  
monster than he ever was. After all I was the one who was suppose to have a soul."

Dawn said that she had wrestled with her emotions towards the vampire since he had  
returned to them with his soul. She had wanted to forgive him and just be friends, like  
they use to be, but she thought it would betray her sister. She told Buffy of how much  
she regretted never letting him know that she still loved him before he died. He died  
having to accept that his lil bit hated him and the guilt of that really ate the poor girl up.

Yeah, Dawn would be just as furious about the secrecy thing too. Hopefully she, like  
Buffy will have the second chance to make amends. Buffy decides it's just Giles, yet  
again who has deceived her, for her "own good" no doubt.

****************

A few hours later………

Buffy immediately rented a car as soon as her plane landed. Fortunately, even in her  
rush, she remembered to rent one with a GPS. She pasts where Wolfram and Hart is  
now a pile of rubble.

The Slayer gets a lucky break as she spots the last known place that the LA team was  
seen. Right behind Angel's old hotel in an alley way. By a sheer luck the Hyperion  
had been left untouched. Apparently the battle had extended quite a bit beyond the  
alley way. The same could not be said for the damage of a ten block radius. Buildings  
in ruins, streets covered in so much muck that they were hardly identifiable, there were  
no lights, just blood lots and lots of blood and, of course, bodies.

Buffy stared up at the sky as she walked around the piles of the dead, "Listen up guys,  
Powers That Be, or whatever. I've been a pawn of yours for almost 9 years now. That's  
9 years of me working myself to death…twice, doing your biding as you guys sat up  
there and watched. You owe me one, damnnit!" She was crying on her hands and  
knees as she erratically pounded on the blood soaked ground with her fists.

Something moved a few feet and a couple of body piles away from her. Instantly in  
Slayer mode, Buffy grabbed her dagger from her right boot and moved stealthily  
around to take a look. She shadowed the creature as it rounded a corner of a battered  
building.

It abruptly stopped and slumped its shoulders. The Slayer felt the defeat coming off of  
the figure in waves. Now closer, Buffy noticed the beat up gore soaked rags it was  
wearing and the considerable drag to its left leg. Whatever the thing was, it had  
sustained considerable damage to its body.

"Slayer?" She heard the apparent male voice wheeze out. With his back still turned to  
her, he dropped his hand and it dangled uselessly at his side. Wait his hand? His very  
human hand?

Buffy hadn't expected to find a human out here in all this. Not an alive one anyway.  
And not one who knew her identity as the Slayer…as a slayer, she corrected mentally.

Lightning struck overhead as it began to drizzle.

Dramatically slow the man began to turn around to reveal his blood-spattered face.  
With a hood over his head Buffy was unable to distinguish his hair color, but she  
would know those eyes anywhere. They haunted her almost every night in her dreams.

Her hand flew to her mouth, "Oh…my God. _**Spike**_."

His shoulders were still hunched as he seemed to be deeply fascinated at the stains  
on his boats, but Buffy was able to see him nod his head in reply.

Without a second thought the blonde Slayer quickly closed the space between them.  
Buffy delicately placed her hands on his chest to make sure he was real. Careful to  
avoid his wounds her hands slid up to his face, tracing the sharp edged cheekbones.  
Spike's eyes were closed now with both of his fists clenched tight. He cautiously kept  
his eyes adverted from hers.

"You're really here." And then for the second time today she was crying. "I thought I'd  
be too late." She pushed the cotton hood over his head down to be able to get a better  
look at him.

He seemed to be just as she last remembered him. Well, he wasn't bursting into flames  
and he was a bit of a gory bleeding mess, but he was here. And that alone was a  
miracle.

Spike still supported his same leather duster, for some odd reason it smelled newer.  
He had an unusually thick layer of clothing underneath, a grey hoodie that had  
definitely seen better days, a button up ripped blue shirt, and his usual black shirt  
beneath it all. Buffy quickly glanced down to and was pleased to observe his black  
jeans and beat up Doc Martens. Some things never change.

Spike finally spoke in harsh sobs, his head still lowered, "I couldn't save him in time.  
Wasn't quick enough. I don't deserve this, it was his. I'm so sorry. So bloody sorry."

He was begging for forgiveness. Confusion was becoming a normality with Buffy  
today. Obviously Spike is talking about Angel. Of course, he would be upset, for all the  
loathing and the long violent past between the two vampires they were still family.

What didn't Spike deserve? What was Angel's that Spike thinks he's taken from his  
now dead grandsire? The Slayer chalked it up as more than survivors' guilt.

Then Buffy feels a rhythmic pounding beneath her hand on Spike's chest. She  
remembers that she didn't feel the familiar vamp tingles from him. She feels his breath  
against her. How is this possible? She must have said that out loud for Spike answers  
her,  
"Prophecy," he whispers, his eyes still refusing to meet hers, like he wasn't worthy of  
even looking at her.

Buffy glances up at him from where her hand was over his heart still in awe.

"It was a prophecy", he repeats. "Was Angel's. Now it's mine only by default since the  
ponce isn't here to get it."

She notes how he says "ponce" without the malice that there once was. "There's been  
a mistake he should be the one here....With you, alive." Spike's leather clad shoulders  
shake as he tries to hold back another sob.

Too much had happened within the last three days. The death of all the people that  
had been the only ones to have ever considered him not only an ally but a friend. The  
death of his grandsire. The feeling of his heart beating after over a hundred years of it  
remaining silent. And now……Buffy. She was here, with him, and so very real. So  
much had changed for him to cope with.

Buffy pulls his head up to force him to look her in the eyes crystal blue meets emerald  
green for the first time in what had felt like an eternity for both of them. He stared back  
at her, wide eyed and hesitant.

She needed Spike to focus on her and not whatever hell he had just been though.  
She needed him to help her understand what was happening and to do that she had  
to keep him focused on here and now.

"Shanshu, the prophecy is called Shanshu." His nostrils flared as the ex vampire tried  
to retain his composure.

"Angel and his mates had a scroll of the bloody thing and the watcher boy, Wesley had  
done the research. Talks of an apocalypse an' a vampire having a major role in that  
apocalypse an' as a reward the vampire would become alive at the end of it or some  
sort of drivel like that.

"Course I thought it was rubbish like most bleedin' prophecies. An' that if it did  
happen it was Angel's. He was the one all about redemption and helping the helpless.  
Was his destiny. Was his reward and yet here I am breathing and all human-like."

She'd never seen Spike like this, like he had just given up. He seemed lost and unsure  
of himself and his place in the world. And now he was back at shyly staring at his  
shoes, incapable to even look in her general direction. Was he ashamed of this  
wonderful gift he'd been given because he thought it wasn't his? Was he afraid of  
what kind of judgment and rejection he'd see if he looked at her?

"Spike look at me," Buffy grabbed his chin and physically tilted his head towards at her,  
"You deserve this, and so much more. Even the Powers see that. You fought so hard  
for so little for so long. You earned this. You're a champion. My champion."

The Slayer took a long breath before continuing, "And I know that where ever Angel is,  
he is finally at peace. He doesn't have to struggle anymore. And even though I'd know  
he'd never would've said it out loud, he wouldn't want you to suffer and feel guilty  
about this."

Spike nodded and rested his forehead on her's. They stood in the rain for a long while  
clutched to each other like the other would disappear.

Buffy broke the silence first. "I missed you, you know?"

Spike just gawked at her like she wasn't really there. He had half convinced himself  
that one of the Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik demons that he had been fighting with had  
injected him with its hallucinatory poison and that he was really lying unconscious in  
that alley way.

Buffy took his silence as a sign to continue, "I think you took a piece of me with you  
when you...when you died in the hellmouth that day. I've just been kinda going  
through the motions, you know like I did when I was brought back." She sniffled a little  
but held back her tears. "I trained the girls sometimes, cause we have a whole heard of  
them now, and did the paper work and more paper work. But it would always be there a  
night, the loneliness, the emptiness that nothing or nobody could fill."

Buffy became aware of Spike's trembling despite his layer of heavy clothing, "With you  
being all mortal now I think we should get you outta the rain. After all it'd be a waste to  
be have survived a giant apocalypse and rewarded with humanness to get a cold and  
die."

Even Spike, who was lost in his stupor had to smirk at that. They started walking out of  
the damaged and disgusting alley way before Buffy paused in mid stride,

"Umm, are you staying somewhere cause with the hurry and panic of trying to find you  
and all, I haven't had a chance to find a hotel. We totally could though cause I have  
the Council's credit card…,"

Spike cut off Buffy's nervous babbling by putting a hand on her shoulder, "No need.  
We can go to my flat. It managed not to get knocked around in all this."

Fortunately, Spike's place wasn't but a few blocks away. By the time they arrived both  
blondes were shaking from the cold rain. Buffy had completely forgotten about her  
abandoned rental car in the astonishment of finding him.

"Don't have much, but you could wear one of my shirts while we hang your stuff up to  
dry, if you like?"

"Yeah that sounds good." Spike disappeared down the hallway in what she could only  
assume was his bedroom.

Buffy observed his apartment. Well it was better than her old basement, but it was  
sparse. She almost giggled when spied his TV with a Nintendo 64 hooked up to it. She  
thought was astonishing that he hadn't gotten frustrated and thrown the controller  
through the TV screen yet.

He returned with a classic black shirt and a pair of boxers that looked like they'd never  
even been worn. Buffy mentally rolled her eyes, Spike still goes commando which then  
made her wonder why he even had a pair.

"Thanks," she replied as he handed them to her.

"I'll just go and umm…yeah while you change…" The Slayer watched him while he  
walked off down the hallway.

He returned a few minutes later to gather her clothes and hang them up somewhere,  
she supposed. So he was back to being evasive and unable to make eye contact with  
her again.

"I don't think I've got much to eat. There might be some Doritos and cashews in the  
cabinet over there. Might be stale though." Spike shrugged his shoulders  
apologetically.

"You're human now, though. You have to eat, right, besides blood? What have you  
been eating?" Buffy asked concerned over his well being.

"Don't be going all mother-hen over me, 'm fine," he replied flippantly as he flopped  
himself down on his beat up old couch. Buffy immediately followed him to the couch,  
sitting as close as she could to him.

"How long have you been, you know, human?"

"Two days. Actually probably three, but I was unconscious most of that first one."

Buffy thoroughly looked him over. He'd changed clothes and she could now clearly  
see his wounds that he hadn't bothered to clean.

"Do you have a first aid or some sort of antiseptic?"

"Wesley left some here when he was cleanin' up Blue. In the bathroom."

She returned to the couch with the supplies. Buffy started with the cut on his face first  
since it seemed the nastiest. He flinched and looked at her sharply.

"Told you, I don't need Florence bleedin' Nightingale. 'm fine," he protested.

"Look you're not a vampire anymore. So if you don't let me clean those, they're gonna  
get infected. And don't think I won't hold you down and do it if I have to," she replied  
with a threatening glare.

He crossed his arms over is chest in defeat. His leg turned out to be the worse. No  
wonder he had been limping. Buffy had to wrap his whole calf. Something had clawed  
it to shreds.

"So you've had these wounds for three days now?" She asked in astonishment that his  
leg hadn't rotted off.

"No these are what I got today. Been going back every day for stragglers, there's been  
quite a few." He glanced down at the work that she did on his leg. "There's really no  
need to have done all that. Seems I kept some of my better vamp qualities especially  
the quick heelin' part."

"Wow. So what other qualities did you keep?"

"Strength, speed, smell, sight, all the good stuff, but now I can get a tan safely an' I  
don't have to live off of a sodden liquid diet anymore," he responded indifferently.

"Spike this is remarkable and you don't even seem like you care. I mean usually the  
Powers and prophesies just like to screw with people, but you…you actually got a gift.  
You got a miracle and you're sitting here acting like it's an everyday occurrence."

He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "So what brings lil Miss Head Slayer on this  
side of the globe?"

Buffy had forgotten how quickly Spike could get under her skin, but boy was he swift to  
remind her.

"Giles told me about the battle against The Circle of the Black Thorn and how nobody  
survived. Andrew was nice enough to inform me that you were not only alive but were  
here and also have believed to not have survived."

"Are you sayin' you didn't know?"

She grabbed his hands and held them tight. "That you were back? Of course not, I  
would've been here instantly if I had," she retorted. "How could you think that I knew  
you were back from the great beyond and that I wouldn't be here?"

Spike yanked his hands out of hers growling like the creature he once was, "Probably  
cause I thought you'd be too busy shackin' up with the bloody Immortal to have time for  
yours truly."

"The Immortal? You think I was with the _**Immortal**_? He was a job, one that I had to get  
close enough to so I could slay him. You know me Slayer, him slayee?" She sniped  
back.

"Yeah right. Even the boy said you were…what was it?...cuddling, yeah you were  
cuddling with the Immortal. Since when do you cuddle with your prey, Slayer?"

"I was playing him, Spike. And for your information it worked. He's dead. He wasn't so  
immortal as he thought he was. And Andrew had no right to tell you anything. He didn't  
even know about the mission, he was just a little freeloader staying at my place." She  
was getting more pissed off by the second.

Buffy didn't imagine the reunion going like this. There was suppose to be kissing and  
tears and maybe some mind-blowing reunion sex.

"Bugger this. 'm goin' to bed, you can crash on the couch. Sorry it's not some  
penthouse suite that you're use to," with that said Spike stalked off, removing his shirt  
as he went.

She wanted to scream, to yell, to kill something. The blonde woman found herself  
slumping down on the couch trying to calm herself. She was in shock over what had  
just happened.

If anyone should be mad it should be her. He was the one who kept his resurrection a  
secret from her. He was the one that was living here in L.A. chumming it up with Angel  
while she mourned him every night.

Her knuckles turned white as she fought the urge to go throw him around for all the  
pain he caused her. Then she remembered something Xander had once told her,

"Buffy, I don't know how to help you through this cause honestly I'm going through the  
same thing. Every day I wish I could just have even one more minute with Anya just to  
let her know I love her. That's my biggest regret, you know, not letting her know she  
was loved before she died. I'm afraid she died believing that she wasn't loved."

And in that moment of clarity all the anger went out of the Slayer.

_Oh God, he really didn't believe me. He died a hero's death and came back believing  
nobody loved or cared about him. That's why he didn't tell me he was alive. He didn't  
think I would even care. Who could blame him? After all I never even gave him a reason  
to believe that I did love him. Well it's time to fix that!_

Buffy straightened herself up and marched into his bedroom. Yeah, the bed definitely  
wasn't Spike's taste. Where was the big queen sized 4-poster bed? Oh well it would do,  
thought Buffy sinisterly.

Spike sensing her at the foot of his bed, instantly sat up.

"Slayer? What are you…"

He didn't have time to finish his question before she promptly crawled up his body and  
sat herself on his stomach. _Still sleeps nude._

She placed her finger on his lips, before he could speak again, "Shh. Spike I didn't  
want to fight. This certainly wasn't how I pictured our reunion going. I just want to make  
up for lost time. Will you give me that?" Her questioning tone was pleading and  
hopeful.

"What do you want from me Buffy?" He sighed, "I can't be your punching bag anymore  
and we were never really friends, well maybe a bit towards the end. An' 'm tired of only  
being the muscle. Don't wanna be your bloody lap dog anymore either. I don't know  
what you want me to be." He appeared distressed, like he didn't know what to do and  
that just made him more miserable.

"Don't you get it?" She placed her hands on his bare chest, he visibly shivered at her  
touch. "I just want you." She was crying again, this must be a world record for her.

"I know you didn't believe me before," One of her hands slid into his entwining their  
fingers. The burn scars in their palms mirrored each other perfectly. They were both  
remembering the hellmouth crashing down around them and Buffy's tear streaked face  
pleading with him to leave with her. She squeezed his hand bringing them both back  
to the present and gazed deeply in his eyes. "but I do love you. I'm in love with you."

He sat flabbergasted looking at her with a stupefied expression.

"I've been in love with you for a long time and I know I should've told you sooner.  
Maybe then you would've believed me." Now she was full on sobbing which shook  
Spike out of his stunned state enough to pull her closer to him for comfort. Her head  
rested in between where his neck met his shoulder with his arms enclosed tightly  
around her.

"I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me? Do you even still want me anymore? Cause I really  
wouldn't blame you if you didn't…"

She was cut off in mid sentence when his lips crushed against hers. It was a short but  
sweet kiss, not forceful or violent like the others that they had shared.

"Does that answer your question, luv?" They both smiled at each other. "I will always  
love and want you. Never bloody question that," he replied vehemently. His hands  
went to her cheeks to wipe off her tears with the pads of his thumbs.

"Never," she agreed. "Do you believe me now?"

He pretended to think about it for a moment. "Well, that depends pet."

She gave him an irritated _hurry up with this so we can have crazy reunion sex look_, "And  
just what does it depend on?"

He gave her a serious stare into her eyes, "Just when did you fall in love with me? It  
was after the soul, I suppose."

"You'd be supposing all wrong then." She concentrated like she was somewhere else  
completely. "It was strange actually. It was about a few weeks after you left to get your  
soul, which I didn't know about at the time, of course. I had already discovered that you  
were gone and I thought I'd finally driven you crazy enough that you had gotten sick of  
all my abuse and left," Spike shook his head at her but she continued before he could  
interrupt.

"I was fighting a couple of vamps in Restfield and I turned around and just expected  
you to be there and obviously you weren't. I never told anybody but I almost got killed  
that night cause I lost focus, big time. It just hit me so hard. I finally realized I loved you  
and then I had to deal with the heartache of you not being there."

She traced the outlines of his finely sculpted muscles on his torso as she continued,  
"There's really no excuse why I didn't tell you before the dramatic everything is  
crashing around us scene. When you got back I was angry, but I realized I was angrier  
with myself for pushing you away.

"And then I found out why you'd gone and it was the most amazing thing anyone has  
ever done for me. After that we were dealing with the First twisting your mind and I  
honestly didn't know how to even act around you anymore. I finally decided I would tell  
you, after the battle, never even considering that you wouldn't make it."

"Why Angel then?" After her perplexed look he added, "That night that I caught the two  
of you snogging?"

"Oh God, I'd forgotten about that. I'm so sorry. No wonder you didn't believe me." She  
took a deep breath to try to gather her thoughts to explain her actions.

"Some of it was a goodbye, like saying goodbye to that sixteen year old me chapter of  
my life. Some of it was just confusion. I couldn't understand why you without a soul  
loved me so passionately and protected my sister and my friends. Angel without a soul  
hated me and was a completely different being.

"In that moment I finally grasped the fact that Angel and I could never be together. He  
was a sixteen year olds version of love. We didn't even know each other anymore, but  
more importantly he left me.

"He was never there for me. Never once did he ask if there was anything he could do  
or help me with in Sunnydale. I don't want to make this a competition between you two,  
but you were just the better suited vamp for me. You always had my back no matter  
what, even when I wasn't worthy for you to and then you had my heart. I just wish I  
hadn't realized it so late. "

"But it's not too late. 'm here and you're here," he replied reassuringly. Buffy could feel  
his hands beneath her shirt, slowly making their way up her sides. She became quite  
aware of his erection pressing into her thigh underneath the blanket that his lower half  
was wrapped in.

"Mmm, no bra," he moaned. "Why Miss Summers, were you planning on seducing  
me?"

"Why of course." She tugged the blanket off his body, "Mmm, no clothes. Just the way I  
like you best."

*************

4 Months later…….

Buffy's POV

Following all the romantic fluff back in L.A., Spike wanted to get as far away from  
California as possible, understandably so. England fit that little problem nicely. Giles  
not only offered me a new job, but Spike as well since having a powerful ex vampire  
would come in handy.

We both get to freelance demon hunt with really really generous pay and train some  
mini slayers on the side. Which means no more paperwork for Buffy!

Spike wasn't really into anything having to do with Giles. He was still holding a grudge  
from the whole Principle Wood thing and then it didn't help that Giles refused to help  
with his friend, Fred when she got infected by some demon God. But you know Spike  
and slayers. Turns out Spike likes a challenge. And what's more challenging than  
going against a room full of slayers?

It's been working out well though. The girls really took a shine to Spike, and I'm sure  
his rocking hard body complete with six pack abs, and cobalt blue eyes had nothing to  
do with it. I thought I was gonna have to take a couple of them to the nurses' station  
when Spike stripped his shirt off on the first day of training. The more subtle ones  
would just blush when they'd have to practice hand to hand combat with him and then  
Spike would have to go on a rant about distractions equal death. Geesh, who knew  
Spike was a bigger speech giver than even me?

Anyways we moved into this beautiful place a couple of miles away from the Council's  
Headquarters about 3 months ago. After we got back from L.A., Giles was still having a  
bit of a guilt trip that should last for a lifetime, so Spike and I picked out the biggest and  
nicest place we could find without it being too tacky and gaudy all on the Council's bill.  
We earned it after all.

The house reminds me of Spike, an old remodeled Victorian! It's located in secluded  
area that sits on about 5 acres of lush grassy land with miles of forest behind us. I told  
Spike that we should get a couple of horses so all those beautiful green pastures  
wouldn't go to waste. Imagine my surprise that he thought it was a good idea since he  
use to ride when he was a young boy. Spike on horse? There are so many things I  
never knew about him and it makes me sad to just now really be interested in knowing.

I don't think I've ever been so happy. Pardon the cliché but I've never felt so complete,  
like my cookie dough is finally done baking and now I'm…you know what, I should  
really drop that stupid analogy.

I believe Spike's been truly happy too. I've never seen him smile so much, like a  
genuine smile, not the patented sarcastic Spike smirk. Though that one's sexy too. At  
first he was worried about my friend's reactions, but most especially Dawn's.

That was all quickly resolved. We had quite the welcome party when we arrived in  
England. You should've seen Spike's face when Willow practically knocked him over  
in a haste to squeeze him into a tight hug. While Spike was still captive by Willow and  
in a bit of a daze, Xander gave him a manly handshake and told him how glad he was  
that he was back.

Nothing was better than seeing Spike and Dawn reunite. There were tears and  
apologies and then… Dawn let it slip that she had a boyfriend. Then there were threats  
of tearing out insides through interesting places and now Dawn's boyfriend, John, has  
to sleep with his eyes open.

It's been great. We're all one big weird and dysfunctional, but none the less happy  
family. I'm really not sure how he's going to handle this kind of news though so I've  
been a bit on edge.

"Spike! Can you come here, please?"

Said ex-vamp rushed in with flour all over him. I tried to hold back my laugh, really I  
tried. Spike got bit by a culinary bug when he found out how awesome food tasted as a  
human. Every since he bakes everything from chocolate mousse to ratatouille with  
varying success.

"Have a fight with the flour, Spike?" I laughed.

"Yeah yeah yeah. Laugh it up Slayer. Tomorrow night _**you**_ can do the cooking."

Well, that quickly shut me up. Me and the kitchen are still un-mixy things. Yep some  
things never do change.

"Sit down. I wanna tell you something."

He gave me a serious look before dusting himself off before sitting down beside me.

"What's going on, luv?" I still get goose bumps when he calls me that.

I took a deep breath. "Something big. Something good, I think anyway."

I crawled into his lap to stare directly into his eyes. My forehead rested on his as he  
wrapped his arms around me which started to give me other ideas. Nope must stay  
focused. He must've read my mind cause he got that _I'm about to take your bra off with  
my teeth_ look complete with the Spike smirk. Focus!

"Haven't you…umm sensed anything, you know, different?" Spike got a puzzled  
expression on his face, his eyebrows pushed together and he did that head tilt thing  
that he does.

"Well, I haven't really seen much of you as of late. Almost thought you were avoidin'  
me."

"Yeah, sorry about that. I wasn't doing it deliberately. I just had to figure out some stuff  
and how to…...Spike do that sixth sense thing that you kept from being a vamp.  
Concentrate on me."

I kept a steady watch on him as he closed his eyes. I held my breath as his beautiful  
blue eyes opened as wide as Andrew's Star Trek collectable plates. His jaw dropped  
next and he was staring at me like he didn't know who or what I was. Okay, maybe this  
wasn't the greatest idea. I just thought…..

"How?" I gave him a look. "I mean, really? Is it true?"

"If you want it to be," I replied nervously. I suddenly had the urge to bite my nails in  
anticipation of what he was going to say or do.

He began laughing. Laughing? Can't say I was expecting that reaction. Then I was up  
in the air and he's spinning me around and giggling. That's right, giggling.

"Umm, honey, morning sickness, doesn't necessarily mean it'll only happen in the  
morning."

Instantly, he stops and places me gently back on the bed only to tackle me. He's above  
me with this look of awe on his face like I was some goddess that had just granted him  
a lifetime supply of beer and onion blossom thingies.

"So this is…real, right. I mean you're…" he gestured towards my stomach. "An' I'm  
gonna…"

Wow. Speechless Spike. Who knew that one was even possible?

"The word is pregnant. And yes you are going to be a Daddy." Now that I think about it,  
I'm kinda surprised this didn't happen sooner. Spike's really insatiable and well, I'm not  
too far behind him to be honest. Dawn thinks it's amazing that we ever leave the  
bedroom.

He's got his head resting on my still flat stomach. "Spike, talk to me here. I'd like to  
know what you think about all this."

He raised his head slowly and I can see tears glistening in his baby blues. "What can I  
say? A hundred and something odd years and I never would've dreamed of this. This  
is amazing. Incredible. There aren't enough words to describe what and how much this  
means to me. I was dead for so long, and yet I managed to give you, give us life." I hear  
him swallow hard as he tries to keep hold of his emotions.

He begins to stroke my hair, running his long fingers softly through it while showering  
my face with kisses. "I love you, love you so much. Thank you for giving me this."

"And here I was afraid……"

"Afraid of what?"

"I guess I was just nervous about how you would react." Spike abruptly sat up and my  
body instantly missed the contact.

"Oh you didn't think I'd be a good Dad?" What? How could he think that? I inched up  
next to him and cupped his face in my hands, tears were still running down his  
cheeks, but now he had a heartbreaking expression on his beautiful features. It  
absolutely made my heart ache to see him like this.

"What? Of course not! How could you even think that I'd… Spike, you've always been  
wonderful with Dawn even in her annoying teenage rebellious years. There was never  
a thought in my mind that you wouldn't be anything but a fantastic father."

He pulls me to him, stretching my legs over his lap. I feel him push my shirt up and  
tenderly caress my belly as he leans in to touch his lips to mine. Our bodies mold to  
one another while I run my fingers through his silky curls at the nape of his neck. Oh  
and there are those dirty thoughts again.

Even after all this time, Spike will occasionally question his place in my life, but I have  
no trouble reminding him, repetitively.

"I love you," I tell him breathlessly.

He looks at me in wonder, like he still can't believe that I could love him. The bigger  
question is, how could I **_not_** love him? He's my everything. I couldn't and wouldn't  
want to imagine my life without my Spike next to me. I gaze into those deep soulful  
eyes and I feel so lucky and blessed to have had a second chance with him.

Yeah, yeah I know. I've turned into a total cornball. But I guess love does that to ya.

I hear his sharp intake of breath before he replies, "Love you too. Always."

The End

********************  
End Note:  
The Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik demon is a real Buffy-verse demon that was  
introduced in season 6's "Normal Again" just for anybody who thought I made that one  
up!

Any reviews would be greatly appreciated, but obviously nicer ones are even more  
appreciated! After finishing this fic, it gave me an awesome sense of accomplishment  
but it also made me happy that I'm an animator and character designer instead of a  
writer! Anyways, thanks for reading!


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